MARY LAMPHERE AUTHOR

I had an install at 8 am this morning. That’s really early for me. When the doorbell rang and he said he was here with a dishwasher and microwave, I said “YAY!” and he replied, “It’s only a dishwasher and microwave, no need for such enthusiasm.” Obviously 8 am is early for him, too.

When I mentioned that due to a broken dishwasher I’d been relying on the one my parents had used long ago, and to be honest, she’s not very dedicated and rather temperamental, for OVER A YEAR, he agreed my fervor was warranted.

The microwave over the stove has not worked since long before the dishwasher, but we had an old one that we’ve been using. A counter model—I’ll admit, I’m just as excited about getting my counter space back as I am about not having to hand wash six thousand McDonald’s cups each week. I may start cooking again!

My new appliance party reminds me of the time I became a woman. Sure, I was twenty-two, married with a one year old and another on the way, and was a new homeowner, so some would say, technically, I was a woman… but no. It wasn’t until I got MY OWN washer and dryer that I truly felt grown-up. No more packing up and loading the car for the Laundromat (I am the Quarter Queen!) or a generous relative’s home. The doctor may have cut the umbilical at birth but it wasn’t until this glorious day that I felt independent.

If asked what is man’s greatest appliance development of the modern world, I would be at a loss to decide. I am a simple person, with simple needs, I’m sure there are much more complicated and fancy appliances than I am aware of. In my lifetime, though, microwaves have become indispensable, it’s considered quaint to line dry your laundry, and most people have more than one refrigerator and/or freezer! You can set your coffee pot to prepare your fresh brewed addiction by the time your feet hit the shower mat. Your dryer has a steam setting! They added water to your dryer cycle! Crazy, man.  Ranges now come with convection cooking AND a converter so you know how long to bake your usual 24 minute 9×12 cake at the accelerated level.

I used to save my ice. Remember the trays? The plastic compartmented apparatus’ that would freeze water twenty cubes at a time? Have you seen my mug? That’s like one serving. Pain in the icetray. I would stick my cup back in the freezer to reuse my ice remnants. Now I have as many ice cubes as I could possibly need at the touch of a fingertip. That. Is. Awesome.

I am a pampered woman living in a lucky time. And it’s only going to get better!
Just imagine what’s coming…

But please, not at 8 am.

See this? This counter clogging emergency appliance? You see it?
Not anymore you won’t!