Queen Mary.
It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

I shall do my best to be a fair and benevolent ruler.

My first decree?

Banning “reality” television.

That’s right, no more Honey Boo-boo, no more crazy quotin’ Duck Dynasty, no hoarders or Housewives of anywhere. Sorry Bachelors, Bachelorettes and all the other lonely unsatisfied attention whores who seem to otherwise be attractive and educated. Sayonara B-list stars trying desperately to regain a modicum of fame through duets, dance and dive. No more nannies, psychics, pawn stars, overbearing mothers, or American judgment.

How dare I?

I am Queen.
(you really must pay attention)

Why? Because “reality” shows are bad for you. Bad for your culture. Bad for your children.
Stop force feeding crap into your brain. First of all, you know there is nothing “real” about it. The casts are selected based on potential ratings and conflict. The scenes are set, the scripting is evident. Don’t be a sucker for creative editing.
We will no longer venerate people who have done nothing to deserve it.

Besides—hello, you are surrounded by reality. Life itself is quite entertaining.

I’m sure you already know plenty of stupid people, talented people, and raging sluts.
Of course, that’s part of the draw, right? These loony toons on television make you feel better about your crazy self and relations.

Now, I watch shows like American Idol and the Amazing Race. But those shall be banned as well. Talented people will always find an outlet for their abilities. I can’t believe AI is any less work, really, and the lessons it’s teaching may not lend themselves to your future success.
And why do we think it’s acceptable to judge others?
The media spends the other half of the time (when they’re not reporting on “reality”) beating us over the head with bullying and political correctness. Why set ourselves- and these (mostly) talented people- up for that? Quit living vicariously through others. Stop justifying your own inadequacies by comparing to people whose priorities are out of whack. Put the remote down and go outside. Here’s an idea, live your own Amazing life.

Next up?

It shall be formally decreed in large bold print:
Those who disturb the Queen and/or her husband on Wednesday shall be sent to the stockades.
This declaration is for the handful of folks who don’t already know, but should.

In compliance with the Sacred Wednesday Ruling, it is recommended that everyone find their own “Wednesday,” but preferably not on Wednesday.
I promise we’ll be a happier, healthier society if we know we
a) have a day to ourselves without external disruption and
b) get laid regularly.

Now, let me give my apologies to the six humans who still work doing phone solicitations– sorry, but your job is no longer legal. Hear that all you pre-recorded interferers of my day with no way to tell you to stop calling because you’re prerecorded? YOU’RE FIRED.

The Queen has spoken.

Now it gets untricky. Yes, that’s right; I’m undoing all the redundancies of current law and governmental processes. For instance, erratic driving shall be illegal. If caught, you will be pulled over and ticketed. REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU WERE DOING. If you were applying make-up and swerving, ticket. If you were texting and speeding, ticket. If you were fishing the spilled chips out of your crotch and clipped a telephone pole, ticket. Pay attention when you’re driving. That said, if you are able to do all of those things in your car and NOT drive erratically, good for you. No danger, no ticket.

I shall implement Common Sense laws. We need to stop coddling people and let them learn their own life lessons. Coffee is hot. A hairdryer in the bathtub will cause electrocution. Windex is not for drinking. Sex makes babies. Duh.

Also, we shall treat all crimes against humanity equally. No more degrees of “hate.”

Easter shall be the third Sunday of April. Halloween shall be the last Friday of October.

Because I say so and I’m the Queen.

Everyone will be covered by insurance. Health and auto. Everyone will be covered because everyone will be paying. Through consumption taxes. Smoking is legal but under my rule that $3 per pack that you pay in taxes will go into the healthcare pot. More tax on junk foods, less on healthy foods. The gas tax will cover auto insurance. People who don’t drive don’t need auto insurance, they also don’t buy gas. You buy, you cover yourself.

Public education shall be cross-curriculum and integrated. That means that instead of studying story problems in a book kids will actually count Johnny’s apples. They will see with their eyes the size, color, smell and make connections with their brains when Johnny divides them. Focus will be on application and implementation. We’re going to dedicate a semester to growing a garden. Math will be used. Reading will be used. Science will be used. Brains will be used. Retention will be amazing!
Education will be paid for by everyone because it is in everyone’s best interest to have quality education in this country. It will absolutely NOT be tied to property taxes or vices such as gambling.

Whew. Being Queen is exhausting.

Mostly I think I’ll stay out of it and let you rule yourselves.
Be kind, be respectful and be successful in whatever way you can.
Long live the Queen.

Q is for Queen, an installment of the In Print ABC Blogging Challenge.