Originally, I had planned to write a 3 Sentence Review for the surreal-action-sci-fi movie, Everything Everywhere All at Once, a film about a middle-aged woman who consistently fails at life and becomes entangled in a bizarre series of events in which she, because of her deficits, is tapped to save the multiverse by channeling her varied, successful, and occasionally bizarre doppelgänger lives, but then I watched the Bears game and I couldn’t help but wonder . . .
What if there’s a multiverse like, oh, I don’t know, maybe Everything Every Bear All at Once? What if every missed opportunity on the field, every botched draft selection, and every wasted team potential spawned a new universe where they got it right? Under those circumstances, it’s easy to believe that somewhere, the Super Bowl has been renamed the Super Bears and Chicago fans are rewarded often and impressively for their dedication. Also, continuing with the movie’s premise, it’s not a stretch to believe that Eberflus, or Fields, or maybe straight up the chain of command all the way to the current McCaskey in charge, has been tasked with saving all the worlds.
Think about it–how many seasons have the Bears appeared great on paper? Had high hopes for draft prospects? Lost games they should have won? Now, imagine each freshly generated universe where they’re reliably better on the field. Worlds where they took Mahomes instead of Trubisky. Many a cosmos where they look good, avoid injury, and earn each well-played victory.
Of course, if you’ve seen the movie, you’ll understand that there must be versions where footballs are live grenades, dinosaur eggs, or cream-filled long johns.
And the Bears of those parallel worlds still play better than the Bears of ours.