Faced with the letter U this morning, I ran through a series of U words… and eulogy kept popping into my head. Now I know eulogy is not technically a U word, but I have often thought it would be nice to correct the American English Alphabet and U is for Uulajee may be just the letter blog to introduce my plan.

American English is a messy conglomeration of other languages. We’ve adopted spellings and pronunciations that don’t make any sense to our native tongues, minds and ears, making learning to spell, read, and write a challenge.

How do I propose to fix the ABC’s…
It’s easy really, just think in terms of funetiks.
We’re keeping the SOUNDS and losing the NON-SENSICAL rule-breaking groupings.

A, we’ll keep it. But when shown singly, it sounds like ah. A long A sound will now be spelled, AA.

B, saved

C, GONE. No need. Unnecessary redundancy.

CH, new addition! Because just putting a “C” together with an “H” wouldn’t really make this sound, (think about it!) yet we’ve been taught it does. We’re ditching C but adding CH.

D, okay

E, stays, but again, one E is eh, two E’s is a long E.

F, fine, and will replace all absurdly paired P’s & H’s.

G, is now pronounced Gah, as it will only be used in its hard form

H, will stay but will never again be silent! (as in homage)

I, as with the other vowels, a single I is ih, a long I will be written II.

J, keeping and it will now replace all soft G’s

K, stays and replaces all hard C’s, Q’s and X’s

L, good

M, keeper

N, yep

O, vowel rules apply, long O is OO, which smacks fully in the face of what we know. Boo will now be pronounced Bo, and Bo will spelled with two o’s to get the long vowel sound. Funny how it works for the other vowels so far, but is contradictory to what we’ve learned with this one.

P, okay

Q, nope, gone, sounds like K.

R, fine

S, retain, replaces all soft C’s

T, keeper

TH, new addition—same reasoning as before, I mean, why would pairing a “T” with an “H” make this sound? It’s a real sound; now let’s make it a real letter.

U, again, UU is long vowel sound, single U is uh.

V, eliminated

W, why is this called a Double-U? It’s obviously a Double-V. But then a P isn’t called Top B, so why doesn’t it have its own name? When this alphabet is adopted, I think we should have a contest and let Amerikans deesiid wat it’s kald.

X, nope, we got it covered. Sorry, all your pornos will now be rated Eks.

Y, not necessary. We already have EE and II. And who needs a “sometimes” vowel? Crazy!

Z, also not necessary, could be replaced by S. But it’s kind of a cool letter, so maybe…

Based on this logic, I give you the new alphabet:

A B CH D E F G H I J K L M N O P R S T TH U W and maybe Z

(proonownsd)
Aa B Cha D Ee F Gah H Ii J K L M N Oo P R S T Th Uu ? Z

I know it seems tricky—maybe even a little ridiculous, but that’s because we’ve been conditioned incorrectly. There are obvious sounds for these letters, the new alfabet wil embraas thooz sownds.
(Can you tell I’ve thought about this a lot?)

It just maaks sens.

And as for all those homonyms? Reed, read, red, read—No more. Each word will have its own pronunciation. We’ll make up words if we have to!
And we will have to!
It’ll be fun.

I guarantee, learning the new ABCh’s will put a smile on your faas.